Me, Myself and I...

My  mum and sister have really been on my case this week
Looking for rows and pretty much bullyin me as usual and worse
How do I make it stop?
It doesnt matter not long to tgo
My mum thinks I wont move out, that I cant do it
That matt will leave me and stuff
Shes been saying alsorts
My sister has been saying it since I got with him, constantly hounding me with taunts
Saying hes just using me and he will leave me once he has had his use of me...
Whatsort of family says stuff like that to their kid/sister
Before Matt came along.... (well before I realised Iloved him) I was close to commiting suicide, but I couldnt do it, cuz of jamie.. hes the light of my life...
I cant wait to get out of this house...
Then i can fianlly concentrate on my life x

Well its been ages since Ive written on here...
Things have been quite rough....Only the past fewmonths have they started to look up. Thanks to Matt...
The rough things fucked me up badly and Im still dealing with some of those issues. Family to be exact... Im still being over ruled in everthing I say, I take it out on my friends mainly and matt... But luckily those tha matter are understanding of the fact that whilst I'm here at my folks, my moods will continue to fluctuate up and down. Over the past year Ive come to realise who I can rely on and who I cant. Some people are selfish and expect that they are expected to be my main calling all the time. Well they arent. I have a son, and most of my time and energy goes on that. 

Matt has made things so much more awesome for me, by understanding I cant always be happy. But we are moving in together, we should have our house within a week or two, and I will finally be happy. And away from my controlling family. 
Ive come to realise who those are I can rely on and they are Nicola, Claire, Lois, Susy, Mark and ofcourse my boyfriend Matt...


Anyway this is a bit of a depressing one... 
My house:
Well.. maaaaaaaaaaaaate.. its huge and gorgeous... 
Jamies bedroom is massive, Mine and Matts is even bigger...
There are two recpetion rooms and a kitchen
and a cellar where the lads can rehearse 


And with Matt being Chief exec at Virgin media we can get all of the virgin stuff (interent, phone, TV) for like £15 a month
Which is awesome...

Lois Birthday coming up.... it was marks yesterday, Susy,Mark,MAtt and I went for a meal.. wasnice
Goin to see real big fish for Lois'
Then Linkin park for Claires
Then everyone is going to Nottingham Rock city for mine... (Lois, Her fella Tom, Susy, Mark, MAtt, American Danny, Bowza, Holly M, Emma, and a bunch of others)
Its gonna be awesome

Jamie is two in March I cant wait... 
New year in my new house 

MAtt and I reckon we will be married in a year and a half.. My mum is paying for it...
Picked out my dress....
Things are changing, Im growing up
Im glad 

For onceIm fianlly happy
real happiness....
Id never felt this way before 


That fight the toher week pissed me off, the rumours that went round that susy and i attacked her.. not atall.. susy ws trying to get me off this other girl.....
 cunt... Susy is such a nice person too.. bless her

Hopefully I get to see Nicola soon, as its the Holiday season... Im gonna cook dinner for my nearest and dearest 
cant wait.. The house is big enough to fit them all in
its awesome

I never realsied things could pan out so easily....
Matt and Jamie love eachother as if they were real father and son
Its amazing
I fianlly have a family
Soon Ill be married
wow!!
Thank you to whoever thought I deserved this piece of happiness...
I never once thought i was worthy of a family (matt and Jamie) or friends who love me so much

wow 
I sound like an idiot
its just Ive never had this before x

i am now a mum! jamie Kamran Pasha was born on wednesday 1st March 2006

4 days late! Woke up last night in so much pain! Felt like my abdomen was ready to explode! This is getting beyond a joke! i want to cry... so badly! i want to give birth! This sux! i have lost any personality because all i do is snap snap snap!

okay so we are on 3days late!

went to the midwife... baby is fine... just a stubborn lil bugger!

no baby yet

I'm due in 3 days although currently it seems as if this tiny little baby will never leave my womb! i hope it comes on time... or now! But i am scared... very of the pains of labour! I know it will all seem worth it once my child is in my hands but until then... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Aah well! Fuck all i can do about it now!

IM HAVING A BABY IN 16DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you are coming o the baby shower.... call me on 07821421193 so i can give you the address.... its on jan20th tho!

Well happy new year!

Hope everyone had a good one! Mine was ok i went to toms during the day as the night wasnt so super, was quite bored at home really! But hey?

My dad dropped me off at toms last night and really shocked me in the process... we were in the car and he and the gremlin (my stepmom) started arguing.... think it was because of me..... but then all of a sudden my dad stopped the car and then shouted get out at the gremlin... and then...


He hit her!


I was well shocked since my dad is the most passive man in THE world! It was quite upsetting really as i never expected it off him of all people! I made him promise me never to do it again as it sickened me. i dont like his wife but it wasnt right...

Aww....

Bless Tom and his ma! They came all the way from oldham to pick me up and take me to didsbury on Xmas day night! Isnt that the sweetest thing!
Had a really nice time though! Me an tom stayed in the woodstock with his sister and her BF! i dunno why, but i sometimes feel wierd round Toms family. Well i do know why, its because im having another persons baby (id love to say man, but u have to have guts to be a man now dont u?) Anyway, i sometimes think that maybe his family judge me for it! They dont seem to though! And i love Tom with all my heart so.....

Saw ma claire today.... been a long time wow! did we have some gossiping to catch up on! haha! We are in the process of trying to convince craig to propose to her... haha! I think Claire is gunna have to keep wishing though as it doesnt seem likely... Craig seem sto start sweating profusely at the thought! haha! Funny winding him up though!

Tom reckons we are probably gunna get married! i reckon so! He said That even though i dumped him coldly, he has never loved anyone else and that i'm the 'one' What a beautiful thought! HEhe!

7weeks left.... Wow! What a daunting thought! AaH! Push! Push! And all the screaming... its gona be fucking torture! Push holly! You can do it!

YOU FUCKING DO IT THEN!

I wanna play snooker tonight! Toms picking me up soon to take me out, so he better take me snooker! Snooker is well fun! Although i missed the finals i think on the tele.... darn!

I ate bubble bath!


Well my craving is foam... ya know like you get when you pour a glass of coke and it gets all foamy on the top!? Well! so far i'd managed to resist the urge to eat any foam which wasnt edible....

So the other day I was aching aaaaaaall over so I ran myself a bath and put almost half a bottle of bubble bath in, the bubbles were everywhere - it was well good...

I was happily reading my new book when all of a sudden it dawned on me... I'm in a bath of FOAM! I tried to carry on reading but eventually I turned my head and bit into the foam!

BIG mistake!

HUGE mistake!

Foam- it looks soooooo good..... But tastes ever so bad!

HaHa! Now in all honesty... hands up if you have seen them... come on, dont be ashamed... you can admit that you looked at them. Even though its fucking perverted that he's sending pictures of his knob... Yes i said KNOB! to all his mates! And pictures his fat ugly girlfriend took of him too! Now arent they supposed to be a private thing between a couple? Well when he's obviously hitting on people left, right and center then he's gunna have to show his 'porn photo's' since there is NO personality whatsoever in that brain... haha! Fucking Porn photo's! What a Joke!

Sorry had to drop that in!

Anyways... aaaaaaaaaaaargh! its Xmas! The worst time of the year for me... I have always despised it! Last year was nice though! Spent it with tom and it snowed.... We made snow angels and snow men at night! He says he's gunna come get me tomorrow (Xmas day) in the evening and take me to the woodstock (pub). So im not depressed on Xmas! Its actually our 3rd Xmas 2gether! Although its all been on and off... thats alot really! Fuck me!

Last year I remember me and ma lois had a house in rusholme and we got our first xmas tree together and i decorated it for her and james for when they returned from work... it was a pathetic effort but i tried and it did look nice! i spent over £500 last year on gifts... mainly on Tom! But £500? thats a fucking shitload! Unfortunately i have no job this year and cannot afford many gifts until after new year! What a bitch eh? Aah well! i suppose its my own fault for getting knocked up in the first place!

Ha! How bad is this? not seen claire in what? 5days and i miss her! Arf! Wont be seeing her till after Xmas now! That sucks well bad!

Xmas makes me depressed! I hate it!

Baa humbug!

holly

Last night was the ritz.... And it was fun!

As i promised to not name any names we shall use code names. I hope this is not too confusing...

So weak-minded fool was out with his girlfriend, ugliest thing ever. And you'd think that maybe she would have a little shame, you know after stealing a father away from his child! But no the whore had the nerve to give me evil looks which were not unreturned only i do believe i had more right to be giving them then she.... She really is ugly though... was rather funny watching her try and dance, only she did the whole trying to be sexy thing and with the way her figure looks, she should of just give it up! Or even better.... Took her fat self home! Anyway she was the subject of all my friends (Which was about 20 of us which were out last night) amusement... And i do believe everyone thought she was positively minging! Which she is... what a big nose...!

Was gutted Tom couldnt come out last night, i missed him loads and i'd only left his that morning! He is the sweetest... Why did I never appreciate him as much as i do now... I mean dont get me wrong i love him and always have but never appreciated the little things he did! I never truly thought he loved me! Things are way better now then they were before. We get along miles better, there is more of a friendship too, which is something we lacked previously. Fuck! I love him! HaHa! Look at me all smitten.... What big girly am I?

Claire came out last night with me and her and Zara wanted to batter 'The whore' but I stopped them... lucky for her... Zara is one viscious mother fucker and would have anialated the bitch! I should have let her really! But I cant be arsed with the hassle!

Hopefully gunna see my Tom on thursday... hehe! Cant wait... Yay!

Hospital tomorrow! Check up on my little Jamie! The little guy is dying to get out man... all he does is kick! Trying to claw his way out through my belly button... Not happening! Oh! And it turns out i may have to have a natural birth and not a ceserean but i get to have morphine.... fuck knows i'll need it!

Thats it for today

Peace

xxx

I cant wait man.... Baby kicks so much! I just wanna hold him, hehe! He's gunna be so small... iccle baba! I never really wanted kids before, i always wanted to adopt, the thought of labour unbearable! But now, with little jamie inside me, it feels like one of the most amazing things ive ever done! And i couldnt be more happier... and with my tom! Well im even more happy!

okay... so im upstairs and im sulking.... really bad... My real dad (the one who got an A in 'abandoning your child' class) is downstairs and he decided to shout at me... Why? because im pregnant! Like father like daughter mate! I swear thats all that went through my head.. Only id never abandon mine... Parents man! they think they are right and sometimes they arent... they are really wrong sometimes!

So im with Ma tom again... And i'm well happy ya know! But its a secret and not one of his mates can know as i hurt tom in the past so they well dont approve. Like its any of ther buisness! I do understand though!

My Tom! He still loves me! Yes he does! yes he does! How happy am i for that tiny little fact! fucking estatic mate! We arent a couple again (although i wish we were) We are 'taking it slow' i hate that phrase... As much as its right and completely the best thing for us to do! However, i am Holly and in typical Holly fashion i think 'I WANT IT NOW!' But patience is a virtue and i have to wait... and wait... and maybe wait a little bit more! Damn! Oh well! i'm greatful for the second (or third) chance and the fact that he luuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrves me! yay! yay! yay! Im deleriously happy because the boy i love, loves me! Isnt that what every girl wants? To just be with her sweetheart? Yes i do believe so!

xxx

I am such a bitch (sings in sing song voice)

He flirts with me and i encourage it... and wats worse... im starting to like him... oops! im not gunna go after him, besides its not like hes taken but im not gunna go there but louis is great. Yeah he is a lil retarded but i like him... shit!

So i fancy this guy called chris, he's lush, he's 26, he plays guitar... But he only plays for like the geekiest band on earth... Son of Dork! I dint even know who they were, what i mean is id never heard of them... one those crappy busted sounding bands i think... Aah well wont let that stop me... haha!

Last night went out and had a well good night out... it was top, loadsa ppl were out and i loved it, Fatty Katty was also, using bitch that she is... she kept talking to me... and i was trying my best to let her know that I JUST DONT CARE without saying it, ya know so she'd just take the hint but no, she didnt. Only because some of the ppl from my old casino were out and she has this hardon for the hard rock, haha! After what she did to me she has to realise that her cred with them as gone way down... Which is why she also probably followed me round and round... go away Kat! I dont like you anymore, you are a selfish little girl and i have no time for you! But i cant say that now can i? Because as wierd as it sounds, i dont wanna hurt her so i tolerate her inane babbling about shit i dont care bout and just smile... HaHa! bitchy holly is on fire today!